Self Worth
by SaraBarns
Summary: Who would have thought 8 little words could send Canada spiralling into upset? "Yeah, just like I'm more intelligent than you!" Why didn't Prussia apologize? And why does it hurt so much? Oneshot unless I get a lot of requests to continue.


**A/N:** PruCan if you squint, human names used.

Yes, yes I should be working on just about all my other stuff.

No, no I'm not. Mostly because this has been bothering the inspiration right out of my mind for the past week.

I dunno... I feel like this won't emotionally bother anyone except me, but I'll warn you anyway, if you have crap self-confidence, this might bring you down a bit. 'Specially because there's no defined/happy ending. This is really just drabble I had to get off my mind before it drove me insane. Please read to the end before judging.

* * *

I never thought that I, Matthew Williams, Canada, could be reduced to a teary mess on a sofa within the timeframe of ten minutes.

Let alone that I, Matthew Williams, Canada, could be reduced to a teary mess on a sofa within any timeframe at all.

Today I was proven wrong.

Now I just feel broken. Broken and scared, and wondering if I'm really worth so little to everyone. I know I'm practically invisible... but people compliment me. Right? That means I'm worth something. Right? Or am I just deluding myself...?

It was only earlier today that he called. I don't even remember what we were talking about, but I remember every word he said after the word "intelligent" came into the conversation.

"Yeah, just like I'm more intelligent than you!" he had said.

"I... excuse me?" I said. He had kept talking.

"What? Yeah! Like I was saying, it-"

"I-I'm going to have to call you back later." I interrupted him, the frown already digging into my forehead. Were those knives or shards of ice digging into my heart? I couldn't tell.

"What? Did I do something wrong Birdie? Don't leave the awesome me!"

My mind was reeling. He was concerned about me _leaving_ him? Of course I was going to hang up on him. What was he expecting?

I was a little more concerned about my hearing at the moment. When was my ear doctor open again...?

I... I _had_ heard him correctly, had I not?

Maybe it was my _sanity_ I should be worried about. Gilbert wouldn't really say something like that... right?

"I... How could you _say_ that? What- I mean, I don't even..." I said haltingly, not quite believing what I thought I had just heard.

"Birdie I don't understand-"

Some small portion of sense returning to me, I realized I needed to process the situation first, or I would soon become liable to do something I would regret later. Like get very, _very_ angry.

"I'm going to call you back later. That hurt. A lot." I said simply, before hanging up. I didn't bother to hang up the phone. I just dropped it on the floor and tumbled into the couch behind me.

I even told him so.

I told him he had hurt me.

But I guess he wasn't done yet.

_How can he misunderstand this situation?_ I asked myself. _Gilbert is clueless sometimes, but this seems pretty straightforward. He just told me he thought himself more intelligent than me. He'll apologize, then we can pretend this had never happened. Just like when he told me he thought he could draw better than me. And that if he put the effort in, he could do paperwork better than me. But it's alright, because he'll apologize, then-_

Then I got his first text.

"Gilbert: Birdie, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, I was just stating what I thought was an unspoken fact!"

I was floored.

He just _reiterated_ it.

He had just admitted, inadvertently though it may have been, that he had no intention whatsoever of taking it back.

Saying it once, I could have handled.

Saying it once and apologizing would have been _Gilbert_.

The oblivious, arrogant idiot I'd known for so long and loved in so many different ways.

But saying it _again?_

And trying to pass it off with an apology?

In the same text message?

_He couldn't be serious,_ I tried to reason with myself. _He couldn't really be trying to apologize to me for insulting me, while reiterating the insult._

Oh but he _could_.

I snapped.

"Mattie: Oh, so now it's just obvious I'm less intelligent than you?"

It took him a minute to reply, and though it all came in one message, I had to process each part of it separately.

Each one was another stinging blow to my pride.

"Gilbert: Look, I didn't mean to rise to the bait..."

I didn't know there was bait to rise to.

Please, educate me, _O more intelligent one_.

"Gilbert: ...You're more intelligent in some areas, and I'm more intelligent in others..."

Trying to _appease_ me.

I'm not a _child_.

Appeasement just makes me angry.

"Gilbert: ...Let's leave it at that. Ok?"

No, let's _not_ leave it at that, _Prussia!_

But at the same time...

Do I really want to risk what I have with Gilbert over something so small?

"Mattie: Look, I really don't care what else you have to say on the matter! You really upset me and I'm just going to leave it at that I found that to be extremely rude and insensitive... but I don't want to lose what we have over it."

"Gilbert: I agree, and I apologized. I didn't think you would get that upset, that's not what I wanted to happen. Just know that it takes two to tango. So... we're awesome again?"

...that wasn't an apology Gilbert, that was salt in the wound.

And I don't understand why you're saying it "takes two to tango," because this is _entirely_ your fault.

_You_ insulted _me!_

Where does this involve my fault at _all?_

"Mattie: Yeah. I'm just leaving this alone. Alright?"

Not even a minute before his next response.

"Gilbert: Alright! Hey, in other, more awesome news, guess where I'm going this weekend?"

_So_ typical.

Assuming I'm fine and continuing to ramble about whatever _really_ interests him.

I haven't texted him back.

Which leads me to where I am now.

On my sofa.

Crying.

Shaking.

Questioning my own worth.

Which I have _never_ been forced to do in my entire existence.

Because even though people forget me or overlook me sometimes, I have my fixes.

They tell me my eyes are pretty.

They tell me I have gorgeous hair.

They tell me I have a wonderful work ethic.

They tell me I have a lot of promise.

And I had my own doubts, but those were mine alone.

Hell, Gilbert even _helped_ me with some of my self-doubts.

I would wonder if I'm really as good as they said at getting my work done, or looking that nice.

But never before has another person -especially a nation- made me question whether or not I was worth bothering about.

Everyone who's seen it likes my writing.

Everyone who's seen them likes my drawings.

Everyone who sees it thinks I do a very clean job with my paperwork.

And clearly I'm doing something right to have survived this long as a nation and be as large as I am.

But my intelligence... my intelligence is one thing I value above most everything else.

I always do my paperwork early, and put a lot of effort into it. How much paperwork does _Gilbert_ do, I wonder? Even if it's only helping his brother, I know for a fact he does _nothing_ he isn't forced to do.

I don't understand how he can be so... so _callous_ and just blatantly announce he finds himself to be more intelligent than me!

How can he be so _cruel?_

Oblivious, maybe rude, I could understand, but normally when Gilbert realizes he's upset me he stops. _"Apologizing"_ then reiterating that he thinks he's more intelligent than me is not _"stopping."_

He's supposed to be my _friend_. He's supposed to make me feel _good_ about myself. He's supposed to make me see that I'm _worth_ something. He's supposed to _shield_ me from things like this that can hurt me so badly.

He's not supposed to make me _question_ my own worth. He's not supposed to inflict this kind of _pain_ on someone he cares about. He's not supposed to make me wonder if he always sees me as someone _below_ him. He's not supposed to make me feel as though I'm _not good enough_ for him, or anyone else.

And it shouldn't hurt this much.

Am I _really_ not good enough for him?

Am I good enough for _anyone?_

I guess I just trusted him a little too much.

I guess I've got to fix my inner walls, if they're this defective.

I guess I should choose who to trust even more selectively now.

Because with a tear like this in my fragile self-confidence, I'm liable to fall to pieces again at any time.

* * *

**A/N:** ...well? What did you guys... think? If you want the truth, this really happened to me (you know who you are, _Gilbert_... And if you're reading this don't just stop talking to me, **TEXT** me because I **NEED** to talk to you about this...) like a WEEK ago, and I still can't stomach it.

Quite frankly I'm going to rat myself out here and inform you all I just pretty much typed up my one and only thought process for the last week and sort of need to know if this is normal or if I have some kind of insanely low self-confidence or something. I mean, "Gilbert" is my best friend. It hurt.

Christ, I'm shameless. XD asking you guys for help with my own mental issues.

Eh... seriously though. I've been feeling like complete crap over this for the past week, and "Gilbert" has even been texting me and doesn't seem to realize that my seemingly reasonless bad mood is because they made me feel so awful.

Ah, but anyway, I know this was short, but it was only meant to be a oneshot. I know it was tiny, and might be killing a few PruCan fans inside, but I couldn't help it. It had to be written because it WORKED. Reviews are love, you guys, especially now because I've just spilled my heart to you all.

(Btw any spelling screw ups, tell me, I did this whole thing on my iPhone at a ridiculous hour of the night and I don't doubt they're in there.)

* * *

(Gilbert apologized, you guys :D Thank you all so much... I sent "him" the link to the story and "he" posted a review of an apology. We were texting about it afterwards. I'm still not properly... over it, I guess, but your reviews meant a lot, so thank you all.)


End file.
